I Have Absolutely No Idea What I’m Doing

Just a few months ago I was sure that I had pregnancy and birth all figured out – that I knew exactly what to do (and what everyone else was doing wrong). And then the big day came along and I was humbled as hell. And now with a four month old, most of the time I still think I have all the answers – I meditate my way through nursing, use my mindfulness skills to observe the baby, fit in some yoga and healthy food when I can and everything is perfect.

And then an evening like last night comes along to show me that I have absolutely no idea what I’m doing. Certainly not enough to be telling anyone else what to do. Nothing we did could get Gadi to sleep, and he was completely overtired. An hour of screaming ensued. Just an hour, not really so much in the scheme of things I know but it was pretty far from the norm. I hadn’t slept well the night before so my exhaustion was probably all the fuel need to spark this overwhelming feeling that I am COMPLETELY CLUELESS. That every other time I’ve managed to calm the baby has been a total fluke. That I need a complete change of tack because nothing is working and what if something is wrong and maybe he’s not even tired and did I feed him too much? Or not enough? I’m sure he’s tired wait no maybe he’s not, look he’s wide awake, but he keeps closing his eyes – and doesn’t that curled tongue gesture mean hungry?

In the end, it was a mixture of singing and cuddles that I haven’t used to help him sleep since he was a tiny baby that did the trick. Maybe he’s teething or it’s a phase or some sort of sleep regression or something, I don’t know. Probably just really overtired. And of course after all that, he had one of his best night’s sleep ever – only one wake up to eat and straight back to sleep – and is now happy and rested and giggling on the play mat with his dad.

I suppose this is just another reality of being a parent, right? That we never have all the answers – the game is constantly changing. Just like everything else.