When I named this blog, I thought I was performing a juggling act. I thought combining a career (not even a job! I was in between positions at the time), a meditation practice, a relationship and a social life was a feat to be reckoned with.
*Cue hysterical laughter*
I had no idea.
The month before last I went back to work full-time, after seven months on maternity leave. Followers of this blog might have noticed that I haven’t posted since then. It’s actually more full on than that – I haven’t even thought about posting since then. Usually in even my least prolific periods I’m still dreaming up blog posts, writing them in my head as I walk or exercise – even if they never end up being typed, let alone published.
No, this is a whole new level of juggling. There’s work, which is the same as it was before, I suppose, but I have far fewer brain cells and working memory to get it done. I have loooong moments of staring at the screen thinking “fuck! I have no idea what I was just working on.” There’s a baby – an amazing, smart, hilarious 9-month-old baby, who still wakes up to feed at least once a night, is still running his strange laundry-making scheme (I’m yet to work out how someone so small makes so much laundry). There’s my guilt that I’m not with him for 8 hours every day, that he wonders where we’ve gone and when we’ll be back. That guilt alone takes up more of my being than half of the stuff I thought I was juggling before. There’s my then-boyfriend-now-husband, who’s actually the easiest thing on this list of things to juggle, since without him there would be nothing else. Just a pile of balls on the ground. There’s still practice – both meditation and yoga – but they’ve taken a back seat. Twice a week each and I’m happy – with bonus points if I managed to stay awake through all four sessions. Thoughts of running filter in but seldom make it to my sneakers. Social life? Funny. There’s a lot more ice cream than before, though. We like ice cream a little too much.
I’m guessing that in a few years time I’ll look back on this and think “ha!” she had no idea. And it will be true. I don’t.